I think I've discovered a new parenting disorder, because I'm suffering from it this week. And I bet I'm not the only one this happens to. Thankfully, I'm having a good laugh about it today (after the fact). Sometimes in my life I have moments that are so ridiculous I just have to share them. So..... you're welcome.
Me, on Wednesday: Oooh, the kids have a half day Thursday and no school Friday or Monday! I am going to make this so fun for them! We are going to do so much cool stuff! I'll be the best mom evarrrrrr!"
Me, on Thursday afternoon: This is good. Some whining is happening, but we went out for ice cream and a lovely Fall bike ride on the bike trail, and we'll just run one quick errand before we head home.
Do you see my error? I know. In retrospect, it's glaringly obvious. I pulled an Icarus; I flew too close to the sun. Feeling good about my parenting; why not add just one more little errand with three kids in tow? What could possibly go wrong?
And then I end up at the pharmacy with three kids to just pick up one little thing and suddenly I hear it, the unthinkable:
"Mama, I have to go poop!"
Okay. It's okay. I'm supermom. I can handle this. CVS has a bathroom, right? Oh god. Where is the bathroom? "Ah, excuse me. Do you have a restroom?" I hope she can't see the panic in my face. Oh god, he's all hunched over like he's trying with every fiber of his being to hold it in. And what the hell do you mean we have to go to the grocery store, all the way on the other side of the plaza?!
So then we are running, trailing crumbs and children, down the sidewalk to the store with a bathroom. And never mind that one child is running all hunched over, crying and yelling, "it's too late, mama! It's coming out!" "Come on guys, we can do this; just keep going! We are going to get to the bathroom!" People are staring. And another of the kids trips and I see him go down in slow-motion, scraping all the skin off one knee and narrowly missing knocking out a tooth. And then he's up and he's crying, and I scoop him up but we're still running to the bathroom, but now the third one is crying and asking why does everyone have to be so stressed out?!
"Guys, come on! We can do it! Let's just keep going!" But they don't hear me because they are all crying and I'm shouting inane attempts at encouraging phrases and trying not to totally lose my shit. Now people are REALLY staring. But it's okay, because we've finally made it to the grocery store, and we burst in the door with three screaming children, one of whom is waddling and yelling, "It's too late! I already pooped!" over and over again, and another one screaming, "It's bleeding! It's bleeding! AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH". So, as you can imagine, everyone in the grocery store was super excited to see us but I didn't care because where is the damn bathroom?! Right where it belongs, in the far back opposite corner of the store. Why are grocery stores so cavernous? So we traipse the length of the store at a screaming, crying, run-trot ("It's too late, it's too late, mama! I already pooped!" "Whyyyyyyy is everyone so stressed out today!?" "I'm bleeding!!!" ) With my shouts of encouragement getting more shrill and panicked, and finally make it to the bathroom. Thank God the big stall is open and we rush in and get the one that has to poop onto the toilet.
"I don't have to go anymore."
I need to set the bar lower. Don't do it, moms: don't fly too close to the sun. Next time, I am staying at home and letting my kids hula hoop on the porch for a fun mini-vacation activity. Or, let's be honest, Netflix Daniel Tiger for an hour while I do homework.
So natch, we are driving out of state tomorrow for a fun family outing*. But thankfully, blessedly, there will be two parents along for the ride.
|Away I go again!|
Yup, just call me Icarus.
*in all fairness, I actually am excited to go visit people we like. I'm just less excited about the drive.