So I'm going to write about right now, this moment. I feel cautiously optimistic. This summer was hard, for lots of reasons that I don't need to get into now, and the past 6 weeks especially so. I realized on Friday after I had a major meltdown that I need two things: 1. sleep, and 2. exercise. Both for my mental health and my physical health, as I've put on more weight than I care to admit over the summer. And I realized that I have been waiting and waiting for someone else to give me a break so I can get those two things. And then, of course, I realized that that is crazy. So I have decided that I am the captain of my own destiny, and I am putting that into action as of this morning. Last night when I was tired, instead of putzing around on the internets or trying to get stuff done while the kids were sleeping, I went to bed. And it felt sooooo goooooood. This morning, waking up was not quite the hideous transition that it has been. And I busted my butt to get myself and the kids ready all at the same time so I could go for a walk/jog this morning, even though it was raining. So after the big kids got on the bus, Baby Bean and I took the jog stroller down to the bike trail and walked/jogged for a half hour or so. It's not a huge workout, but it feels like a good place to start. I ate a healthy breakfast, and I felt so good that when Emmett indicated that he wanted to wander around outside, I felt totally inclined to follow his lead.
So we went and explored our neighborhood, and he thought that the fact that one of our neighbors uses his backyard as a junkyard was completely amazeballs. I was less impressed, but still willing to check it out and count all the abandonded tires and machinery. And it was lovely, just wandering around together in the rain, exploring and explaining.
Now, you need to know that E is not a cuddler. He is fiercely independent and normally he refuses to hold my hand under any circumstances because that's for babies. And he is a big person, no matter what you say. So even though I have been thinking and writing a lot lately about how parenting is hard work and it can be relentless and exhausting, it was nice to have it be mellow and wonderful for a moment. And then E reached his little hand up to grab mine, and held on to it for a long while. And it was like he had reached his tiny, clammy little hand directly into my chest and grabbed on to my heart. And I thought, "oh, this. This is what we live for as parents." These little moments that make your heart blossom, that get you out of the day-to-day mindlessness of routine, that make you remember why you ever thought it would be a good idea to create tiny, helpless people of your own to raise.
And it just kept getting better. Allow me to show you: