Today is not really a fabulous day. I promise that I won't spend the whole post griping, so, you know, just bear with me. You would think I'd be thrilled; the boys have gone from three half-days at preschool to two full days, which is great. It gives me time to get some work done and do things like breathe and craft and cook, and all those other things that make me happy. I may even have time to get my house in order so that we can have a nice clean space to live in. The motivation to do it is quite another story. Not to mention that the two days the boys are in school are the two days that hubby is home for part of the day during this rotation, so we may even get to spend a little time together like regular grown-ups.
But the reality is that I'm a wreck.
I'm stressed out and overwhelmed and filled with anxiety and fear. And there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm overwhelmed about all the work I need to do, but I can't get it done because hubby's computer died and he needs mine. All. the. time. And yes, he genuinely needs it because he has a lot of stuff he needs to do, like - just for example - figure out where he's going to do rotations next year so we can decide where we'll be living. As you might guess, this is kind of important, so whatever I need to do takes a backseat. And I wish I could say that didn't bother me. But in all reality, it does. A lot (or alot, if you like). When you are a med-school wife and a work-at-home mom, you spend your life trying to smooth everything over, to make everything okay so that your partner can have some semblance of a normal life, and so that your kids can see that partner every so often, and because your partner genuinely doesn't have the time or energy to help out too much around the house.
And you know what? Normally, that is okay with me. I do what I do with a lot of love, and although it's stressful sometimes, I try to be positive because let's face it: complaining doesn't really make you feel better or change anything. Not to mention, I had a say in this whole thing and I knew (sort of) what we were getting into. But lately, in between all the anxiety of not knowing where we'll be living six months from now (not only what apartment, but what part of the country, or if we'll all be living together), cranky kids, cranky hubby (sorry hubs, I gotta call it like I see it), severe lack of sleep, and a gnawing anxiety about our future, I am kind of losing my mind. And now, add in that I can't get onto my computer for the majority of the day, and I have to admit that I'm starting to feel a bit resentful. To be honest, it really brings into sharp focus something that I feel from time to time: I'm not important. Whatever I need to do is fine, as long as the kids get taken care of first, as long as it doesn't interfere with what hubby has to do, as long as nobody else needs me, as long as......
I know that's unfair. The reasonable part of my brain reminds me that that's part and parcel of being a Mama, that I am so unbelievably lucky to have two healthy, crazy little boys and a husband who is kind and honest and good. And I know it, I really do. But mamas need a little love, too. It would make me happier than I can possibly say if my partner would take some time out of his busy, stressful week to do something that lets me know I'm important to him. It would give me an indescribable thrill to hear my kids say, just once, "Thank you, Mama, for putting us first." (Don't worry; I know that one will probably be decades in coming. But I can dream.)
So after a miserable morning, I am trying to be present and mindful and, yes, thankful for all that I have. Because let's face it: when you're a mom, you don't really get to have a breaking point. So that's my act of kindness to myself today: I'm taking some time this afternoon to lick my wounds and drink a lot of coffee before I dive right back in to life. And ask for what I need from my family, because I am worth it. I may not get it, but I can ask. Right?